Excuse's to use

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.




I'm Gonna Be Late Because...

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

Computer Geek excercise!

Bad Combinations

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether
or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least... my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

How to tell when its hot when walking your dog!

College Drama

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"