Why children need pets 9

Thanks to Terry S from Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Why children need pets 8

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Why children need pets 7

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Why children need pets 6

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Why children need pets 5

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Why children need pets 4

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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!

Thanks to Terry S from Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes forParkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do.."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Thanks to Terry S from Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $500
New shirt - $65
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Thanks to Terry S. from Murryville Pa. for this contribution

A Man, His Bike, and His Chick‏

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Thanks to Terry S. from Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

At a Bar In Pennsylvania

A guy walks into a bar in Stoneboro and orders a white wine.

All the loco's sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitifull Southern shit.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from up North ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in up there ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says Joe "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Secret Service Secrets about our Presidents?

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .. . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!

Thanks to Terry S of Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

What has America become

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contributio




Special note today: Happy Birthday to my son Bill (squatchy Playstation Network), today he is 26. Hope he has many more, Love ya Son

A MUST READ FOR ALL MALES!

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

Thanks to Larry R from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Canibal

A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant operated by a Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $12.50

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Thanks to Terry S. from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa for this contribution

Peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as
firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from one eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
"Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why
on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

Thanks to Larry R from Thermal Industries in Murrysville, Pa for this contribution

DeWalt Nail Gun-Must Have in every home in AMERICA

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS! AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!

AND, you don't have to worry about them being CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for Father's Day would immediately ask for it.

New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, and relax and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, your wife will probably not ask you to build or fix anything else ever again.

Thanks to Dave S. from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican
restaurant in Los Angeles.
One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cook." He
returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the
cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I
check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is
no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we
have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

Thanks to Larry R of Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

The Marine, a poodle, and the French

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said no 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution