At a Bar In Pennsylvania

A guy walks into a bar in Stoneboro and orders a white wine.

All the loco's sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitifull Southern shit.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from up North ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in up there ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says Joe "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Secret Service Secrets about our Presidents?

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .. . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!

Thanks to Terry S of Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

What has America become

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contributio




Special note today: Happy Birthday to my son Bill (squatchy Playstation Network), today he is 26. Hope he has many more, Love ya Son

A MUST READ FOR ALL MALES!

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

Thanks to Larry R from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Canibal

A cannibal was walking through the jungle And came upon a restaurant operated by a Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $12.50

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Thanks to Terry S. from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa for this contribution

Peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as
firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from one eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
"Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why
on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

Thanks to Larry R from Thermal Industries in Murrysville, Pa for this contribution

DeWalt Nail Gun-Must Have in every home in AMERICA

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS! AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!

AND, you don't have to worry about them being CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for Father's Day would immediately ask for it.

New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, and relax and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, your wife will probably not ask you to build or fix anything else ever again.

Thanks to Dave S. from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican
restaurant in Los Angeles.
One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cook." He
returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the
cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I
check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe
that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is
no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we
have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

Thanks to Larry R of Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

The Marine, a poodle, and the French

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said no 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries in Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Did Philip FART?

Did Phillip fart? ..and he probably does all the time.

What the heck, he's almost ninety, and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?

Did Philip Fart? What do you think?

The expressions are priceless!
Look at the Queen's face!


Thanks to Dave S from Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Life finally EXPLAINED?

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Thanks to Larry R of Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Remember when the NEXT Natural disaster strikes!!!

As you open your pockets for the next natural disaster, please keep these facts in mind:


The American Red Cross President and CEO Marsha J. Evans salary for the year was $651,957 plus expenses


The United Way President Brian Gallagher receives a $375,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits. They give to illegals I will not give to them.


UNICEF CEO Caryl M. Stern receives $1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE .
Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause


The Salvation Army's Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization. 96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause.


The American Legion National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!


No further comment is necessary.

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa for this contribution

I don't want welfare?

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

Thanks to Terry S from Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN????

Thanks to Terry S of Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - '

I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Thanks to Terry S. of Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Thanks to Dave S. of Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution

The Original Sin

Did you lose a cat?

The Iowa Rock Memorial

There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Highway 25 in rural Iowa.

For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times.

A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job,
and since then it has been left completely undisturbed.

It's quite an impressive sight. Be sure to scroll down and check out the multiple photos. (all angles) of the rock.

I thought the flag was draped over the rock, but it's not. It's actually painted on the rock too.

Here's the artist-Ray "Bubba" Sorensen.

AWESOME Work, RAY...

Thank you!


" God Bless America " and "OUR SOLDIERS AND VETS"

Thanks to Larry R of Thermal Industries of Murrysville Pa. for this contribution